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You all know the fat man. He sits in his igloo all year until his day arrives to bring life to young children all around the nation. The miracle of Santa Claus touches us all -- at least those of us who celebrate the religion that seemingly has nothing to do with the holiday anymore.

What is it about Christmas that makes kids eyes light up? Is it purely because they get to cash in after a long year of being bound to the pointless, cruel wishes of their insufferable parents? Or is there something more? Something magic?

Remember back when you were a kid? Watching sports without the burdens of steroid allegations, dog combat, shooting incidents, or wave after wave of Peyton Manning commercials? Remember when sport itself was magical?

I don't mean to be "that guy" harping on sports these days, but it's hard to ignore the individual and collective travesties that have reshaped how we view sports. Even the smallest of things, such as endzone celebrations and 10-15 hockey hits with malicious intent are expected to happen every year.

It's the nature of professional sports these days.

So, I have an idea. Let's take a page from the magic man himself. The King of the North Pole and giver of gifts to all. Mr. Cringle himself.

I propose this simple solution for all major sports. It's so brainlessly easy and it keeps each and every athlete in check without favoring one over another. A list -- the list. The "naughty and nice" list.

By enacting one of these lists every season in professional sports, you can penalize players for any number of reasons ranging from legal trouble, to drug violations, to berating fans. It's a fail-safe.

Here's how it would work. Let's say we're talking about the NFL (not that there's any shady characters wearing football cleats...). What would happen is Roger Goodell would start his list in the preseason. He would keep the list going all the way up until the bye-weeks are over. At that point, it's punishing time! Suspend players for as little as one game or for as many as all postseason games. This way, you are penalizing players for games that are crucial to their team's success. In this case, for example, Rodney Harrison's suspension would not have kicked in until just recently and the Patriots would be fighting a much tougher battle.

Hold on, haters, I know this thing isn't happening in any sport. In baseball the players' association has the owner's balls in a vice grip and the NFL players' association isn't about to budge, so I know that this thing won't happen.

But that doesn't mean it wouldn't work. Think about Santa and the children. Children love Santa, right? I mean, he's jolly old Saint Nick...

Wrong.

Children fear Santa Clause. He controls their lives in a way their parents never could. He's always watching. Always. He watches you when you spend time with that kid down the street who always seems to have a supply of firecrackers, he watches you when you're sleeping, he even watches you on the can. He controls their lives.

So what recourse do kids have? They play the game. They act nice. When parents discuss Santa, children try to behave better. They do their chores. Even at the zero-hour, they attempt to bribe Santa with sugary snacks. The fat man in his ivory tower sits and watches all year long. The great surveyor of everything. His eyes miss nothing. You can't escape his glare and the kids know it.

No person or entity has ever been more manipulative that the fat man. Kids even sing songs about how wonderful the big guy is.

That is what we need in professional sports. A ruler with an iron fist (cast-iron stomach not necessary) who sees everything and judges everything. Any action, no matter how minute or small it may seem carries its weight and makes its way onto the list.

The commissioner in complete control. It makes so much sense...which is why it will never happen. I know Roger Goodell would love this idea, but sadly it will never happen. It's a Christmas gift that we'll never again see. Sports - clean, fun, and magical.

Looks like the fat man wins again.